Sister Woodcox

When I heard the announcement that beautiful October day of last year, you all know how I reacted. If not, then read my last post! Some people have told me that they knew right then and there that they were supposed to serve a mission. That was not me. I was just appalled. I had this all planned out in my head. I would go to school and work, and then Tony would leave on his mission, then I would continue to work and pursue my schooling while he was gone, he would come back, and we would get married. Well, as we all know, that was completely wrong! Right as you think you have your life planned, Heavenly Father says "NOPE! I've got a better plan for you, my daughter." And boy, did He!
In my last post, I shared my experience in the temple and reading those scriptures from Doctrine and Covenants. It was one of the most spiritual experiences ever. I thought I had gotten the exact answer that I needed. I thought I knew what He was telling me. I started on my mission papers in January! I got it done so fast because I thought I could maybe get my call before Tony left! Well, I was very, very wrong... I suffer from severe anxiety and depression which causes me to have panic attacks. I had one in December, and I didn't think it was a huge deal! I put that on my papers and I was very honest. Once I had sent in my papers, the mission department was taking SO long to issue me a call. My stake president called them and they said that they would like me to go in for a psych evaluation with LDS Family Services. This was expected because my older brother had to complete this evaluation before he received his call also because of very similar mental problems. (Yes, crazy runs in the family!) He received his call a couple of weeks later and served for a full two years! What was the worst that could happen? That they wouldn't let me go? "Yeah, that is not happening", I told myself.
I went into the evaluation, and it did not go well. I had totaled my car on the way there, and I was very shaken up, as you would expect! No, I wasn't physically appearing crazy, with the eye twitching, stuttering speech, none of that. I'm not that crazy! I was just very absent minded. It seemed like when I went in, the lady had already made up her mind that I would not be able to serve. I was so disappointed when I came out of that interview, but she told me it wasn't up to her, it was up the the brethren of the church. So, I still had more hope than I should have had. About 3 weeks went by and my stake president said that they were still in the process of issuing my call. I was more than excited, I was about beside myself! A couple of days later, (in march) I was told that I needed to see a counselor before I was able to go out and serve The Lord. I was so frustrated, but clearly it was what needed to happen. I have had health problems literally all of my life, and I was so upset that I couldn't just do things the normal way. I just wanted to feel normal and do things normally for once in my life. I went to counseling for 4 weeks (5 appointments). Although I did learn a lot, I was so glad to be done with it. My counselor sent in her recommendation to the lady who evaluated me and she was supposed to send it in to the brethren. I waited another 3-ish weeks (it was not April), when one day I got the call from my stake president. I was just finishing my shift at work, so I answered the phone. He informed me that he was very sorry to tell me that my application to be a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was denied, and sent back because of my most recent panic attack in December. I burst into tears right in front of my boss. She was very comforting and gave me a big hug and told me that they hadn't looked for another nanny to replace me yet, so I was welcome to stay if I really wanted to! I just replied, "Well, I don't have anything else to do, and this is the best job I've ever had, so I might as well!" My mom had picked me up that day, and I just got into the car and grabbed her and started sobbing. I couldn't even tell her why I was crying because I was crying so hard. I finally uttered the words from my mouth, "They rejected my papers, and I can resubmit them in October if I still want to." Which by the way, those words tasted like vinegar coming out of my mouth. We sat there for a good 15 minutes and cried together. Little did I know that this was the best news of my life.
I had no idea what I was going to do. People had told me they thought that I was only going on a mission because I wanted to pass time while Tony was gone. People told me they thought I was giving up. People thought I must not have really wanted to go if I was questioning it now. I have never felt so sad, I have never felt so abandoned, I have never felt so angry, I have never felt so confused, I have never felt so doubtful, I have never felt so vulnerable, I've never felt so weak. I just got on my knees and poured out my heart to my Father in Heaven. I couldn't understand why I could have possibly gotten such a clear answer in the temple that I needed to serve a mission, and then all of the sudden I just couldn't go until December? And even then I didn't even know if I could still go. I was so lost for the longest time. My wonderful daddy and brother gave me a priesthood blessing, and that lifted my spirits so much, especially after venting to Heavenly Father.
After this, I was pretty much in Limbo. I did not know what I should do. In this time, my testimony had grown so much. I went to the temple, read the scriptures, prayed, everything I could possibly think of, and I never got a sure answer. I felt so alone and abandoned.
Finally one day I decided that I needed to be okay with not knowing what I was doing, Heavenly Father was definitely teaching me patience. (As if waiting for Tony for 2 years wasn't a good enough test of patience!) I read an article in the Ensign that was titled Go Forward In Faith. I knew I needed to just decide what I was going to do and do it. JUST DO IT? That was the scariest thing I have ever done. To make one of the biggest decisions of my life, that didn't just effect me, but many others who needed the gospel WITHOUT having any help from Heavenly Father (at least I thought) was completely terrifying. But I knew I had no choice. I decided then and there that I would then pursue a service mission.
I talked to my bishop and he gave me some options for available opportunities for a Young Church Service Missionary (YCSM). One of them was the Family History service mission. That one stuck out like a sore thumb to me. Things were finally falling into place! I was so happy. I finally understood why things seemed to be falling apart, when really they were falling together. Everything seemed to clear. Even though this was one of the most painful, difficult trial I have ever been faced with, I knew it was what I was supposed to experience. I have never felt so sad, but I have never felt so happy. I have never felt so abandoned, but I have never felt so supported. I have never felt so angry, but I have never felt so peaceful. I have never felt so confused, but I have never felt so sure. I have never felt so doubtful, but I have never felt so certain. I have never felt so vulnerable, but I have never felt so safe. I've never felt so weak, but I've never felt so strong. My testimony of going forward in faith has been strengthened even more. I truly have a testimony that things fall apart to fall into place. I know that everything I was faced with, He KNEW I could get through. But most of all, I know that even though sometimes our Father above is silent, that doesn't mean He isn't there. We are never ever alone, and I know that through this experience.
I have started my service mission in the Riverton FamilySearch Library as a YCSM! I started last week with orientation, and I already love it! Come visit me, and we will do more things with family history than you thought possible! Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, "Do you young people want a sure way to eliminate the influence of the adversary in your life? Immerse yourself in searching for your ancestors, prepare their names for the sacred vicarious ordinances available in the temple, and then go to the temple to stand as proxy for them to receive the ordinances of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. As you grow older, you will be able to participate in receiving the other ordinances as well. I can think of no greater protection from the influence of the adversary in your life." It won't just lessen the influence of the adversary in your life, it will ELIMINATE it. How amazing is that promise? Family history is something so important, and I know I was called to do this work because others need me. I am so grateful for this opportunity, and I really am grateful for my trials that I was faced with in the process of getting here. I can't wait to spend the next year serving my Savior!