Jumbled Thoughts: No Regrets

Well, here I am! I'm alive and kicking! I have been having a little bit of a blogging rut, and haven't known what to write. Heck, I STILL don't know what to write! But here I am, plastering some words onto your screen.
My favorite songs this week have been "What Now" by Rihanna, "Cheer Up!" by A Great Big World, "Magic" by Coldplay, and "Hold On" by Colbie Caillet.  Can you say "emotional roller coaster"?
My best friend, Zoey, left on her mission on Wednesday, and I have made it almost a whole WEEK without my other half! Surprising, right? I would not have been able to do this without my OTHER best friend, Sydney, and without my friend Cassidy, AND without my parents, for sure. Those people are my rock. I have had so much drama lately, that if you were to crack open my brain and take a look at my thoughts, it would look like this:

Cool, yeah?
This week was filled with happiness, depression, anxiety, excitement, confusion, and every other emotion that one could ever feel, and after all of that, I do not regret one single thing. Crazy, right? Every day this week, (maybe even every hour!) I have said something along the lines of, "I shouldn't have done that." or "Why did I just do that?" And then proceed to beat myself up. Guess what. I am done! I don't regret anything! Everything that has happened this week has happened for a reason. I am stronger because of it. At the moment, I don't feel so strong...in fact, I feel very weak and vulnerable...but I have faith that I will be so much stronger in the long run. I remembered why I do the things I do. I doubted myself. I doubted my feelings, I doubted my words, I literally doubted almost everything. I felt embarrassed and stupid about some things that had happened, and that they had happened because of stupid decisions I have made, but I now know that our Father in Heaven has given us free agency. He wants us to CHOOSE! He has a plan for us. And according to our choices, that plan changes. But there is ALWAYS a plan B for us. He gives us this life to make mistakes. He gives us this life to be stupid! (Not to be taken in the ways of YOLO.) Because how else would we learn what to do without being completely idiotic? ;) Trial and error, right? I would not be where I am right now if I hadn't said the things I said, or done the things I had done this week, good or bad! Sure, I still don't feel totally great about them, but I know that I have made my choice and there is no going back. I will never regret something that made me smile. When you live with regrets, you are living in the past.
Don't look back with regret, look forward with hope.


"We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future."
-Steve Maraboli

Yours Truly,

Heather

Become as a Little Child

One day, I was walking around Downtown Park City, Utah with my best friend, Zoey. We were wandering around all over the strip mall, and I noticed that there was a big building that, in huge letters, read "FAMILY TREE CENTER". I was ECSTATIC! Being a missionary for the FamilySearch Library in Riverton, Utah, I was so elated to see this tiny little building woven into all of the little shops of downtown. I told Zoey that we HAD to go inside. We went into the center, and were greeted by a sister missionary. She introduced herself, got to know us a little, and asked if she could give us a short tour. Of course I said yes! We were introduced to different paintings on the wall, and a massive tree that was"growing" inside the building, with its branched intertwined with the things in the room. (Like so...)

We spent a few minutes at each spot in the room and learned a little bit about each thing. We then came to a painting that I had seen many times before. In fact, if you are "Mormon" (or religious in any way), I am almost positive you have seen this painting before. It is titled "Christ and the Children" by Harry Anderson.

I had never paid too much attention to this painting before. I have always really liked it, but it wasn't my favorite. I always liked the religious paintings that were more majestic looking, for some reason. I looked at this photo expecting the sister to tell me something along the lines of  "Christ loves everyone, but he always calls upon the children to see first." I had heard that many times, and I know that Christ loved children, which is very tender to me. But what that sister missionary said definitely changed my perspective on this painting. She told us what I expected her to, that Christ loves the children, but then she also pointed out something that I had never noticed before. There are children in the front that are all happy to see Christ, but in the background, there are adults just looking at Him. Maybe they are thinking it is strange that the children love him so much, maybe they are longing to be near him as well... Whatever they may be thinking, each one of those people have something in front of them, holding them back, if you will. (The woman with the vase, the men with the donkeys.) Whereas, the children have Jesus Christ as the first thing before them. For example, the little girl with the vase behind her, and Jesus in front of her. In Mark 10:14-16, it reads, "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein." We must become as a little child in order to enter into Christ's presence. How do we become as a little child? Children are innocent. Children are have a willingness to learn. Children are humble. Children are accepting, and full of love.

I know that if we have a desire to one day be in the presence of our God, and to feel His presence around us even today, that we must try our best to become as a little child. It is easy to have anger outweigh the love you have for someone. It is easy to be stubborn, and not want to learn. It is easy to judge people by their appearance and past experiences. Jesus Christ and our loving Heavenly Father do not want this from us. In Mosiah 3:19, it says, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

Become as a little child. I promise you, to be in the presence of our Savior, Jesus Christ, is incomprehensibly wonderful. It is true when everyone says that we are to be examples to the children around us, but more importantly, we must let those little ones be an example to us.

(Jean A. Stevens, the First Counselor in the LDS Primary General Presidency, gave an AMAZING talk titled "Become as a Little Child". If you have the time, read it!)

Just a little smile:

Here are a few photos of my most favorite kiddos in the whole world! :)

Yours truly,

Heather

Most Embarrassing Moment

Once upon a time, I was a senior in high school. I attended Paradigm High, and it was really a great school. We were in my most favorite class in all my high school years called "RISE", which was what Paradigm called a "Core Class", where we learn leadership skills and such. Well, we were doing a scavenger hunt, and we were outside in the back of the school where the previous clue had led us. There is a little valley in the back of the school that fills up with water when it rains that the students call "Paradigm Lake". It was summer, so thankfully it wasn't all soggy. We had to run down into that valley, and up the other side to reach the fence on the other side to get the clue. My whole team started sprinting across the field to get to the clue as fast as the could. I  really...really hate running, but I was falling behind so I just decided, "It's downhill, it will be easy." So I started running. About 5 steps in, I hyper-extended my knee. OUCH. That being done, I launched myself across the field. No, I didn't just fall, I flew. I flew right into the grass, head first. I don't really remember much after that other than opening my eyes slowly and seeing a bunch of legs running toward me, and my head felt like it was cracked in half. My vision finally focused, and I started laughing because before, it looked like there were twice as many legs running toward me. Then I started laughing even harder because I just pictured watching myself dive down that hill. That must have been SO flipping hilarious. But then my head started throbbing when I laughed, so I started crying instead. I'm not sure how long I was out on the ground, but I'm sure it wasn't too long. To add to the fall, Tony, being the one watching me as I threw myself onto the ground, he told me that I landed head first, and my head bounced off the ground a couple of times. Boy, I'm glad that I was unconscious at the first knock on the head so I couldn't feel the other two... (at least not that I could remember.) He also said that he laughed for a second, until he realized that I wasn't getting up.
Meanwhile, everyone was circled around me and laughing not-so secretly, and asking if I was okay, and what happened. Yes, because I wanted to answer all of their questions right then...
I was still laying on the ground face down because I was afraid that if I got up, I would pass out and/or throw up, so I just laid there. I told them I was okay and that I would just lay there for a second, so they read the clue that lead to the next place to find the next clue. Once they had found out where they were going to go after this clue, a kid in my class asked, "Are you going to get up, of just lay there to get attention?" I wanted to stand up and puke all over his face, but I refrained. They just stood around me talking, and then moved on, after asking if I needed help to go to the office to get some help. Tony offered to stay back with me, as he helped me up. He put my arm around his while he carried me to the office, since it hurt like a mother puma giving birth to walk on my sprained knee.
I think the electricity in the school was about to blow up the building, or something, because the lights were so darn bright.Before we went into the office, I remember Tony setting my down on a chair, and with his big beautiful green eyes, he looked into my eyes to see if my pupils were the same size. He said it was hard to tell, so we went into the office. He told them what happened... The office ladies tried not to laugh. Tony asked to stay with me, but they told him he needed to go back to class. (Rats, I could have gotten some cute, quality time with my love...) He agreed, (that was his favorite class too, so he probably wasn't too heart broken to go back.) kissed my forehead, and left me to the ladies. They checked my pupils and told me that I most likely had a concussion. They put me in a dark room, with some ice packs for my knee and head, and told me to not sleep. Oh boy, I wanted to sleep so bad, but apparently, right after you get a concussion, you aren't supposed to sleep, so I just sat. It was the most fun I had had all day. (It's times like these when I wish there was a "sarcastic" font.)
Well, anyway, that is my most embarrassing moment. I do lots of things to embarrass myself, but I really don't get embarrassed much. This one definitely takes the gold.
To read another embarrassing moment that is CLOSE second to this one, just click here, and read that if you haven;'t already.

Now, I wish you a great day, free of embarrassing moments!

Yours Truly,

Heather

When I Grow Up...

When I was in pre-school, I was always so puzzled as to why people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I thought about all of the typical answers: Teacher, doctor, veternarian, engineer, etc. none of these seemed interesting to me in the slightest. I didn't understand the concept of college, and all the work you would have to put in to pursue a career... I mean, I was 4 years old. I stuck with the title "teacher". I wanted to be a teacher and that is what I told anyone who asked me. Occasionally I would mix things up a bit and say "doctor", but really I knew what I wanted to be. I knew from the time I was four years old, I was just embarrassed to say it because it wasn't a typical answer that kids I knew gave. I wanted to be a mom. I was a kid myself, of course it was crazy to say that. I had no idea what being a mother would be like, but I knew that my mom made it look so easy, and I just was drawn to babies for some strange reason.
Fun fact, I played with baby dolls until I was thirteen.
When I got to be twelve years old, I decided that an awesome way to practice my future career was to babysit! I decided that for a 10-hour project for my Personal Progress in the Good Works section, I would offer to babysit for people while they did Christmas shopping, and I would do it for free. This got me so many jobs, and I was IN HEAVEN. One day, I had three babysitting jobs in one day and I could not have been happier! Eventually I was at that age (14-16) that I would babysit almost every weekend for a neighbor. A typical teenage girl would say, "Man, I'm always babysitting, I never get to do anything on weekends." But I was strange and instead I thought, "YES! Who needs friends, I get to play with little kids!" I would babysit my cousins, neighbors, and I would even babysit for my friend's neighbors.
I got focused with graduating high school, my best friends and my boyfriend, and my job at a craft store, that those jobs started dying down. Eventually, I quit my job at the craft store because, frankly, I hated it, and it was too far away from the house we were moving into after I graduated. I turned 18 shortly after, and applied for jobs at multiple day cares. I just wanted to do something that I loved. I wanted to be able to say " I get to work today" instead of  "I have to work today." Those jobs at the day cares just weren't working out and I was really very frustrated.
One day, I saw a commercial on TV for Care.com. I thought maybe it looked a little sketchy... What if someone pretends they have kids, I come over for an interview and they kidnap me and kill me?? (Yes, I always think the worst.) Well, I decided to give it a go and sign up. I signed up and applied for a few jobs. There were a few that stuck out to me. One described the job as "A Mother's Helper". There were 4 kids, ages six, four, two, and six weeks. That description called my name! I clicked on it to learn more. I found out that one of the children was special needs. That made me think twice... I didn't know how to handle kids like that. I think they are the cutest, but how would I take care of them? I decided that I might as well try. I wrote her a message, and she wrote me back about 3 days later and wanted to meet me. I told her I would come over that next day and I would bring my friend for safety purposes. I was so excited, but I was really nervous. I met her and she was so nice! (She was not a scary kidnapper!) We talked about hours, responsibilities and all that grown up stuff. Then we go to the good stuff: Meeting the kids. Eden, the oldest, dark hair, and dark eyes, peeked around the corner as I was visiting with her mother. She was very curious to know who I was. She loved her dolls, and playing with her little brother, Holden. Holden comes right after Eden. They look like they could be twins, and might as well be. They are best friends, and I could tell by the moment I saw them. He was a little shy at first. He had trouble warming up to me but I could tell that he would be a cutie. Sebastian was next, with his long, stick straight, light brown hair and stunning blue eyes with lashes  three times as long as mine. I couldn't get enough of him. As creepy as this sounds, I just wanted to look at him! He liked to cuddle, he loved Pokoyo, and he loved his light up toys. Oh yeah, and he has cerebral palsy. He was born at 27 weeks, and had bleeding in his brain., which gave him brain damage. He was truly a fighter, and was the strongest little 2-year-old I had ever met. And last, but not least was little miss Ava. Being just six weeks old, she slept peacefully on the couch with her thick dark hair. I had never seen something more precious. I knew I was going to make a difference in this family. I knew that this was going to be part of my life. Chantelle, the mother, started showing me around and talking to me like I already have the job. She asked if I could start next week, and of course I said yes! I could not wait to make a difference in these kids' lives and to help out this busy, busy mother. Little did I know, that this was really going to change MY life forever. They were going to make a difference in my life, and help out this busy busy teenager.
I got this wonderful job in June of 2012. I am still nannying this family, and I love EVERY second of it.
Eden is now eight, and she and I are great friends. We love doing hair, playing with her Polly Pockets, and watching Sophia The First. Holden is now six (and a half, don't forget) years old, and he is like my little brother. There is almost never a time when we aren't teasing and tricking each other. He likes to ride his bike and eat food. Sebastian is four, and  just learning to walk. He says words, but not very often. He is so cuddly, very ticklish, and will laugh hysterically for no reason whatsoever. He is my angel. Ava is one and a half and is such a little kidster! She can talk, but she only will if she feels like it. She is sassy and hilarious. She is a champion at throwing fits, but can be such a funny little cutie. I love all of these kids to pieces. Tonight, I had a unique experience. The parents went on a date, and I was excited to be there. I like to be there during the day more, because then I don't have to put them to bed, but nevertheless, I was there, and I was excited to see them and play with them. Well, tonight, I wasn't really feeling it, and neither were those kids. Ava was throwing her dinner all over the place, Sebastian was crying because he was so hungry, but he wouldn't eat. Eden kept getting distracted, and Holden just kept wanting to eat! I was so tired of everything and getting very angry. I wanted anything but to take it out on those kids so I went and got a glass of water and hid in the bathroom for about three minutes. I came out and decided that I would make Ava sit there until she decided to eat like a good girl, and I had to sort of hold Sebastian down so he could get food in him. After three or four bites, he chewed down. Eden and Holden were finally finished with dinner and sat down to watch a show. I took Ava upstairs and sent her to bed. I took Eden, Holden and Sebastian upstairs to read stories and get "jammies" on.  They picked stories, and Holden was out like a light. I have never seen a child fall asleep faster than that! Eden asked for a piece I cheese after her story, so I got her that. (Strange request, I know. That's Eden for ya.) after I fetched her some cheese, I was heading out to take Sebastian to bed. I heard Eden say quietly, "Goodnight, I love you." She had never said that before. It was then and there when I realized all of these amazing things about my job. Sure, it is so hard, and sometimes you want to pull your hair out and hide in the bathroom forever, but in the end, I would not change a single thing. And as if that little "I love you" wasn't good enough, I went in to rock Sebastian in the rocking chair and give him a bottle. He snuggled right on up to me and held my hand the whole time. Sebastian shows affection by touch, and boy, was he showing me he loved me. How precious is it to be loved by a child? It is beyond comparison. Nothing is better than being loved by something so innocent and special.
Being a mother will be hard. Being a mother will be one of the most difficult things I will ever have to endure, and I know this... But if a night like tonight is how motherhood is, sign me up.

If only wanting to be a mother when I grow up is wrong, I don't want to be right.

From Heather to Heather

Yesterday, while at the Riverton FamilySearch Library where I serve a mission, there were about 3 patrons there, and all being helped. I felt very useless. I was late that day (again) and felt really disappointed in myself. You see, I tend to beat myself up about silly things like that. Things that normal people forget about 30 minutes later. I was really slacking, and I had already been honestly very depressed that morning, and that past couple of days. I felt like everyone was so disappointed me for multiple reasons, and the feeling of disappointing people, for me, is the worst thing that could ever happen. I was about to break down into tears for reasons that even I didn't know. It was about 12 pm and I decided it was time for my lunch break. I was really sick of feeling this way, and I knew that I needed to snap out of it.
I knew that Satan was really getting to me. I realized right there, as I got up to leave for lunch, that Satan was succeeding in making me miserable. He is so jealous that I am on this earth with a body and so much happiness, that he was beating me down like a pinata. AND I WAS ALLOWING IT. 
As I walked out of that library, I walked straight into the ladies' room. Right when you walk in, there is a full body mirror. I made sure there was no one in the stalls, or standing by the sinks. I just stood there and looked at myself in that big mirror. It was almost like I wasn't even in my body; like I was staring at someone standing in front of me. I examined my body in the mirror for a couple of minutes. It felt very strange at first, but I stopped caring about how weird I felt doing it, and did it anyway. After all, no one knew what I was doing anyway!
After those few minutes, I looked at myself and said aloud, "Heather, you need to snap out of it. Do you know how strong you are?..."
Weird. This had never happened to me before. This wasn't the first time that I had given myself a mini pep talk in the mirror, to be quite honest, but this was the first time that it felt this almost indescribable feeling of not being in my own body. It was like my spirit was talking to my soul. I stared right into the eyes of that strange, yet familiar person who stood in front of me. She spoke to me saying "Satan is winning, and you need to shoo him away! You run your life, and all you need is the help of your Father in Heaven." That person in front of me reminded me that Satan is strong, but with the help of my Heavenly Father, I am stronger! That strong girl in the mirror reminded me that I am so much stronger that I think I am and that I am a daughter of God. She told me that for the rest of this day, I was going to be better. For the rest of this week, I was going to be better. And if I do something wrong, I don't need to carry that burden. All I need to do is pray to Heavenly Father and tell him how I didn't do my best, but I promise to try harder! Once I have done that, and I really do strive to be better, I don't have to carry that burden any longer. I don't have to worry about it because of the Atonement. Jesus Christ died on that cross and suffered for our sins to that we didn't have to suffer, and that is exactly what I was letting myself do: Suffer.
I didn't want to feel like this anymore. After telling myself that I was going to be better, and that the way to feel happier was simple as that, I felt as if I was in my own body again. I felt so much better. It was as if saying all of those things that I knew out loud instead of just merely thinking them made The Adversary disappear. I no longer felt that confusion, that sadness, or that guilt, but I felt comfort, I felt lighter, and I felt stronger than ever.

Through Christ, we can do all things. I know this is true. Satan pushes you, frightens you, confuses you, and discourages you, but God strengthens you, reassures you, leads you, comforts you, and encourages you. He loves you, and He will always be there.

Obviously, I struggle to remember these things all the time myself. From now on, I will remember this, and always know that I can be the best I can be, as long as I work alongside my Father in Heaven.


"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." -Joshua 1:9

Yours truly,

Heather

Blog Makeover!

Hello friends! I have just given my blog a facelift. I hope you like it. I really am hoping it doesn't look so amateur and juvenile anymore... I just wasn't feelin' it before. I hope you all enjoy is and look forward to the upcoming posts. Any questions about anything, or any recommendations for future posts, feel free to speak up!
Until next time, please enjoy this picture of a few famous people without teeth.

Yours Truly,

Heather

Happy Birthday, Jono!

Jonathan Alma Hill.

Never did I ever know that that man would mean so much to me.
I met Jon in May of 2013. I went with my big brother to a bonfire. These were held quite frequently during the summer. There were always different people who came, but I loved going with my brother, sister and her family, and a couple of my best friends.
This bonfire only had a few people there. One of them was Jon, who was one of my brother's good friends. When I met him, I literally could not control my laughter. In fact, almost everyone there was a little embarrassed by me because I didn't even know him and I cracked up at almost everything that escaped his mouth! He and I immediately became friends, and saw each other a lot after that! In a very short time, he became one of my very very best friends.

Now, let me pause for a second and tell you a little about Jon. He was 28 years old. He was adopted by his wonderful parents and older sister. He recently reconnected with his birth family, and he loved them all so much. He served an LDS mission in Canada, and spoke 3 different languages. He was hilarious (as you saw above), and he had an incredible eye for photography. He saw such beauty in all that was around him. He had such a testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and he was never afraid to share that. He always had a light in his eyes that was certainly unforgettable What an amazing man! He struggled with depression and anxiety and many other mental and physical problems. He also struggled with a severe drug problem. He had been clean for a long time, and was doing so well. He always told us that we (me and my friends) were his light, and always helped him to do the right thing. He wanted nothing more than to not have this problem, and did everything he could to get away from this Demon inside. He had a detox procedure done and also checked himself into a rehabilitation center, "Turning Point", for six weeks. He LOVED it there, and my best friend Zoey and I went to visit him every Sunday, the day he could have visitors. He was the happiest I have ever seen him when he was there. It was so relieving and amazing to see him so happy. Every second with Jon was a memorable moment.
Well, the day he was released from rehab, he overdosed. He was found unresponsive two days later.
This was the most devastating news of my life. I have never cried so hard. I have never felt so numb. All of the sudden, those memories were all I had left. In the blink of an eye, he was gone.

 Our first photo together ("official best friend photo")

Our last text messages

Now, I don't mean for this post to be a depressing one, because Jon was everything but depressing! I want to dedicate this blog post to him for his birthday, November 20th, because I know I would not be where I am today without him and his influence in my life. I wouldn't be the same without his amazing testimony of the gospel. He is still with me, and I can feel him every day. I believe that he wanted me to share that he knew that his Father in Heaven loved him, and he loves each and every one of us perfectly. He wants me to share that he knows that he was not perfect, and neither are we. We are only human, but through the Atonement of Christ, we can all be saved and made perfect. We can not sink lower than the Atonement. Our God is a forgiving God, and He wants nothing more than for us to return to Him. I know that I am going to be able to see my Jono again, and that instead of seeing him suffering in all of the pains and trials he had to go through, he will "stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle, or happier for (him) that (he is) fully perfect and finally 'free at last.'" (Jeffery R. Holland)

That day truly can not come soon enough. 

To say that Jon was an amazing man would be a complete understatement. Losing him was one of the hardest things that has happened to me, but in the eternal perspective, I have not lost him at all. He is still a best friend that I will surely see again, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be able to hug so him tightly and laugh with him again one day. I can't express how much I look forward to that day! 

I wish you the happiest of birthdays, Jonny Boy! Thank you for everything. I love you to the moon and back.

Love always, 

Your Heather :)